Five things you never have to ask a cat...ever, ever!
- What did you do today?
- Does your litter box need changing?
- Am I bothering you?
- Want something from the kitchen?
The Ten Laws of Cat Physics
- Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food or a nearby scurrying mouse.
- Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
- Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat. In which case, all heat flows to the cat.
- Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
- Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
- Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you that he can.
- Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
- Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
- Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
- Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
- Day 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
- Day 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the
top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair.
Must try this on their bed.
- Day 762: Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depravation, meowing, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the
- Day 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in
an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
- Day 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason, I was chosen for water torture. This time, it included a burning
foamy chemical call "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between
- Day 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More
importantly, I overhead that my confinement was due to my power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
- Day 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird has got to be an informant.
He has mastered their frightful tongue and speaks with them regularly. I
am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in
the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait - it is only a matter
How to Bathe a Cat
- Thoroughly clean the toilet.
- Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both
- Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids
(you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do
not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out for any thing they can find.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
- Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
- The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where
he will dry himself.
How to Give a Cat a Pill
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When cat opens up,
pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
- Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are
able. Hold cat's mouth shut as well.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilize front
and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. Flick pill down ruler with
forefinger and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from living room curtain valance.
- Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for later
gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.
- Wrap cat in beach towel and ask assistant to lie prone on cat, with cat's
head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube
you've made for this purpose. Then force cat's mouth open with pencil
- Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take
taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with soap and cold water.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof. Remove fourth pill from foil. Place
cat in cupboard and close door on cat's neck and head outside
cupboard. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with rubber band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Throw bloodied, ripped T-shirt away and fetch another from
- Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
- Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree.
- Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.
- Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and securely tie to
leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat's
mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in 1 ounce of
raw hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with noise
pointed to ceiling and pour one-half pint of water down cat's throat.
- Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor
administers anesthetic, stitches fingers, forearm and removes pill
remnants from eye.
- Call the veterinarian and make an appointment for him to give the cat the pill.
Strict Unbending Rules For Dealing With Stray Cats
- Stray cats will not be fed.
- Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
- Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a
- Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with
warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
- Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent
- Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled
- Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will
absolutely not be given a name.
- Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at
- Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
- Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in
- Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen
their claws on the furniture.
- Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the
really good furniture.
- Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on
new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
- Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
- Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact
plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
- Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a
three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
- Stray cats will sleep outside.
- Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
- Stray cats will sleep in the house.
- Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
- Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with
non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers
except at the foot.
- Stray cats will not play on the desk.
- Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
- Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk
when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.
The Origin of Pets
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was
discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls.
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday.
Now I do not see You anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me
to remember how much You love me."
And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you
forever and who will be a reflection of My love for you, so that you will
know I love you, even when you cannot see Me. Regardless of how selfish
and childish and unlovable you may be, this new
companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good
animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And
Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and
all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new
And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of
My love for you, his name will be a reflection of My own name, and you will
call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam
was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord
and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like
a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught
him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him
forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his
limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat really didn't give a shit, one way or the other.
David's Favorite Humor
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